Oh man, yesterday’s post felt too good to be true [click here to read]. I was on cloud 9 after publishing my accomplishment to making it to my third trimester. The baby has been healthy in my belly and has been actively kicking at odd hours of the day. I’ve been feeling good- no cramping, distress, or any unforeseen symptoms as I enter my third trimester. But how I feel may not be the same as how my body is acting. Last night was my first “emergency” trip to be evaluated at the hospital.
Yesterday was another ordinary weekly routine to my doctor’s office where the nurse weighs me, tests my urine sample, and records my blood pressure before I see the ultrasound technician and doctor. The technician takes a look at the baby plus measures my cervix via transvaginal ultrasound. We both were in shock when the measurement of my cervix showed 1.8 cm on the screen. She asked me if her eyes were playing with her and I said “no, I see the same number you see right now”. Once the doctor saw me, she had a different tone of voice where she sounded very concerned and highly alert of the situation that has presented itself. She told me I have to go to the hospital immediately for further monitoring of the baby where I could be experiencing contractions that I’m unaware of. She also said I will receive additional medicine to prevent the baby from coming early. Since I do have a history of premature delivery, she wants to make sure that this baby stays in me as long as possible.
I texted my husband a “911” message in which he went straight into “labor mode” and packed items that I would need in case I had to stay the night. Once I arrived to the Antenatal Unit at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, I changed into a hospital gown and was hooked up to a baby monitor while filling out registration forms. The Labor & Delivery doctor was expecting me and also practices at the OBGYN group I go to, so it was nice to see a familiar face. He checked the baby monitor and could tell I wasn’t having contractions (that’s good news). Bad news was that he prescribed more medication for me as if the baby was going to arrive in the upcoming days. He administered a steroid which would help develop the baby’s lungs at a faster pace (meaning, when the baby comes, his/her lungs will be developed 2 weeks in advance). In addition to my hydroxyprogesterone shots, I would also take the suppository version which has shown positive effects to preventing early deliveries. Also, I’ve been given direct orders to start working from home. The doctor doesn’t want me to be active at all and just take it easy at home. It’s not necessarily bed ridden, but limit my activity to a minimum as much as possible.
I’m home now and am still in shock with what occurred last night. The idea of being a mom who’s medical history includes multiple premature deliveries scares me. Not only the steps to prevent the early deliveries scare me, but everything that comes after the birth is just a roller coaster ride that I’m not sure I’m ready for physically, emotionally and psychologically. I find myself crying with such a heavy heart. It’s draining to think that my body can’t handle pregnancy. I sometimes ask myself, “Should my husband and I have just stopped after having one kid?”; “If I do delivery prematurely, is this punishment or a cruel joke that the Universe has bestowed upon me?”; “Am I worthy to bring a child into the world if complications come along with it?” These are such harsh thoughts that have become my reality. I honestly don’t know of anyone who has gone through this. I think I need more than just my blog to share my emotional turmoil. And, I’m not even speaking on my behalf; I can’t imagine what my husband is going through.
Our first premature delivery tested our relationship as friends and parents before we became husband and wife. If I go into an early delivery the second time around, I think this pregnancy will test our strength and trust in each other knowing we’ve been through this before. But we already have a child to worry about this time around. My daughter is still shaken after seeing me at the hospital. She was very concerned, but reminded her sibling to stay in mommy’s belly forever. I’m hoping this little shake will pass so we can enjoy the joys of a third trimester pregnancy. For now, all I can do is rest and take it easy.