It’s the “I Will” Mentality

Since the end of January, I’ve been receiving my 17p shots weekly and have become best friends with the nurse who administers them to me.  In our brief 10-15 minute interaction, she’s very cheerful and uplifting with comforting words that everything will be OK with Baby Boy as he continues to grow.  She usually ends our interaction by saying, “see you next week and let’s make it to 36 weeks.”  I respond by saying, “hopefully I make it to then.”  She corrects me by saying, “not hopefully- it’s ‘I will make it to 36 weeks.'”

This past week was another bump in the road where all good feelings at being 32 weeks pregnant went down the drain.  First, I was laid off from my job on Monday due to my project being shut down indefinitely (I work in the construction industry by the way).  Secondly, my doctor told me on Tuesday that I barely have a cervix where it was measured at around 1 cm.  He didn’t want to induce me into labor, but wanted to send me to the hospital to be on bedrest for 2 weeks.  I convinced him I should be fine at home where he directed me to relieve all “mommy duties” to my husband and stay off of my feet completely.  Through these recent “downs”, I feel like I should’ve more upset with all of this.  Instead, I found comfort in the clarity of it all.

Throughout this pregnancy, I don’t think I’ve been true to myself and how I’ve been feeling this entire time.  It’s always “yeah, I’m hanging in there” or “yeah, I’m feeling fine” when really it’s something entirely different.  My biggest fear since the beginning of this pregnancy was to become a statistic of having multiple high risk pregnancies.  I convinced myself that I’m not meant to carry children to full term because of my past and present complications which are unexplainable.  These natural worries and anxieties made me feel that I couldn’t make it past 28 weeks because I thought my body was rejecting all the medicine I’ve been taking.  These feelings have surfaced throughout my pregnancy, but surprisingly this wasn’t my breaking point even after losing my job and knowing my Baby Boy might be coming very early.  I was definitely upset after losing my job, but felt better after talking to my boss in person as to understanding the situation of my project.  Losing my job wasn’t a decision based on performance, rather it’s the nature of the industry I work in.  Being told that my body is getting ready to deliver Baby Boy was no news to me at all.  I’ve been preparing myself for this since February when my cervix was being monitored and measured on a weekly basis.  So what has helped me get through these moments?  It was last Saturday while begrudgingly watching morning cartoons, I looked at my phone and my Periscope app popped up with a notification titled “20 Day Morning Meditation Day 7”.

At a young age, I was a spiritually active person finding direction and purpose in the Catholic church through prayer and worship.  I was involved in a prayer group that my parents joined in the last ’90s where they are still active till this day.  Once I went to college, my religious upbringing was quickly extinguished as I started to explore and understand other people’s views on life and their purpose.  Whenever I talk to my parents, they always remind me to pray and ask for the Lord’s guidance which I clearly don’t listen to.  Like them, I believe in the power of prayer but not as a way to talk to God.  I needed something to help me clear my mind and remove all my worries and anxieties that I’ve built up.  I didn’t want to follow an institution that would tell me what to do or how to pray.  Rather, I just wanted to find my center, refocus and recharge myself after not going or believing in the Church for the past 10 years.  I always had a hard time focusing during prayer.  I could never tune out the noise in my brain in order to listen to what my mind and body is saying.  I could never remove the feeling of being aware of my surroundings when really I just needed to focus on myself.  All of this changed when I listened to that 20 minute meditation series.

Listening to that Saturday morning meditation definitely prepared me for what was to come on that following Monday and Tuesday with my news.  Breathing deeply  through my nose and out of my mouth helps me calm my nerves and remove my anxieties that might pop up during the day.  I stay focused on my intentions of the day whether if it’s to complete tedious tasks on the computer or work on my blog.  I remind myself to let go of my worries and enjoy every present moment I have in the remaining weeks of my pregnancy.  I tell myself to say “I will” with everything I do.  The “I will/I can do” attitude helps me get through the day even though all of this has happened in the past 7 days.  I have to say that it’s been a while since I’ve felt clarity and peace during hard times.  I think all of these events have put perspective into my life’s meaning which is to enjoy the present.  Don’t worry about the future because it hasn’t happened yet.  Stop, look and savor the moment.  In just a few weeks, I will get to enjoy being a parent to 2 healthy children.  I will get to see my Baby Boy grow healthy in my arms and see him change my world.  Just writing this brings me tears of joy because it’s going to happen.  My heart is full of happiness to know that this is all going to happen.  I finally feel free of my worries.

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